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Stop those “I should have”-self-talks

Everyone knows the feeling. You had that difficult conversation and walked out with this “I should have said this or that” self-talk. Those kinds of self-talk fuel unhealthy beliefs about ourselves.  It quickly becomes “I can’t deal with conflict.” You can overcome those lies, act with confidence and make your point clear.

Here is a tip that will help you. Do not prepare from a position of fear. First, focus your preparation on clarity about your needs and expectations, not on preparing counter-arguments. Second, spend more time on preparing yourself. You must occupy a space of self-awareness, no judgment looking for synchronicity between the parties.

Talk to your coach about this

Dates

• Let us talk about habits – Thursday 8 October from 18:30 till 20:00. Price: R150.00
• Kom ons praat oor gewoontes – Dinsdag 13 Oktober vanaf 18:30 tot 20:00. Koste:   R150.00
• Growing Stronger Relationships – Thursday 15 October from 06:30 till 20:00. Price: R450.00 (or R550 for two persons)
• Growing Stronger Relationships – Saturday 17 October from 14:30 till 16:00. Price: R450.00 (or R550 for two persons)
• Master Conflict and deal with difficult conversations -Thursday 8 22 October from 18:00 till 20:00. Price: R350.00 (or R550 for two persons)
• Bemeester Konflik. Hoe om jouself te staal vir daardie moeilike gesprekke. Dinsdag 27 Oktober vanaf 18:00 tot 20:00. Koste: R350.00 (R550 vir twee persone) 

Contact me if you are interested in any of these: johan@oorsprong.co.za or 083 708 3405.

Contact me if you want me to bring these webinars to your business or community.

Growing Stronger relationships

Our popular interactive webinar on building stronger relationships is happening again. This time around the focus will be more on family relationships. We know many (if not most) have done a relationship workshop somewhere along the road. We promise to build on that through a learning-from-one-another approach.

In the webinar, you will:

               ·         Learn how to build stable and positive relationships

               ·         Learn how to communicate effectively and interpret message better

               ·         Learn how to handle conflict appropriately.

We use the Zoom-platform

To register contact Christine Jordaan at chirstine@pbscollege.co.za or 082 333 0490.

Kom ons praat oor Gewoontes / Let us chat about habits.

Let us chat about habits is for those of us who cannot leave our phones alone when it vibrates AND for those who are irritated by it. Let us have an interactive discussion about habits: how they are formed and how we can change them. During this discussion, we look at themes such as:

·         understand what a habit is

·         acknowledge our habits

·         understand how to change habits

·         understand how to break bad habits

Mastering Conflict or Stop those “I should have” self-talk.

Mastering conflict is about an approach to conflict and difficult conversations. During this webinar, we looked at how to prepare yourself for that dreaded conversation.

                   ·         what conflict is and why arguments do not work,

                   ·         how to prepare yourself for the difficult conversation,

                   ·         how to be present in the discussion, and make most of the moment.

Another one of the amazing people I have met

Let me introduce to you Charlotte Blignaut.

Charlotte is a unique Transformation & Education Based Speaker, Workshop Coach & Consultant. She has developed a unique tool for self-coaching focusing on growing an entrepreneur’s mindset, authentic empowerment for woman, and revolutionise conflict solutions. You can contact Charlotte via her website: www.yourhiddengenius.org.

A final word

To make an appointment for a 1-2-1 coaching session, you can use my online diary at www.calendly.com/oorsprong

Johan

The Mindful Guide to Conflict Resolution by Rosalie Puiman

Now and again, you pick out a book that is so relevant for your life at that moment. In my case, Rosalie Puiman’s Mindful Guide to Conflict Resolution is the 2020 version.  The editors write that the book “provides you with the tools to handle difficult conversations, remain civil, and end an argument peacefully.” Here are a few perspectives that came from the book.

First, being mindful in dealing or managing conflict allows you to set a positive intent for the conversation. It also helps you to re-define success as you develop a deeper awareness of your needs and your expectations of how you want the need to be met. Similarly, it allows you to be open (non-judgmental and accepting) for the needs and expectations of the other party. Together, this awareness (or clarity) and acceptance allow you different ways of being present in that tense situation we dread.

Second, the concept of interconnectedness (p 37) is a potent reminder that our resolutions for difficult situations do not come from a place of selfishness. It comes from a place of equal-ness deserving to be not judged, being accepted. I am allowed to be compassionate towards both myself and the other person. This again points to what I called awareness and acceptance.

Understanding what Puiman calls the undercurrents of our experience, or the subconscious is vital in dealing with our awkwardness under challenging situations and relationships. We can learn to bring these undercurrents to our awareness and begin to work consciously with our hidden motivations and commitments, opening the way to a stance of non-judgement and acceptance.

Puiman highlights four critical skills. These are being prepared and present, listening, speaking. Being present maybe is the most essential ingredient to create new ways of dealing with difficult situations and relationships. Being present reminds me of some old-world values, such as being on-time and counting to ten before you respond. The point is simply; do not try and resolve conflict if you cannot sit down and have a constructive conversation, compassionate listening and thoughtful speaking.  Without being present, we silence the inner voice.

Self-awareness and acceptance help us not to revisit old pain and not to react from fear. We can hold ourselves accountable and take responsibility for the conversation. Puiman introduces the concept of PAUSE to highlight five critical aspects of being present in a conflict situation. PAUSE stands for Presence, Acceptance, Undercurrent, Synchronicity, Exchange. (Now you have to buy the book).

My take-away from The Mindful Guide to Conflict Resolution is this: It is more important to spend time on preparing yourself than developing arguments. Get your facts straight, it will help, but it will only help if you are thoughtfully present and respond to the other persons from the point of responsibility and accountability. Then, as Eduard de Bono wrote, you can partner with the other person to design new ways forward out of the discomfort towards a new appreciation for one another.

Somewhere in the book, Puiman wrote this simple but profound sentence, “if one person change, the situation change.” If you change the whole dynamics in the relationship can change – probably for better. Preparing yourself, rather than merely preparing arguments brings that changed person to the conversation.

 

When you walk into a room for an awkward conversation, your success is determined by the same skills a champion need to win a championship. The same is true for negotiating a new contract, a sale, a promotion, or planning a holiday. You need to be present and grounded to be able to deal with the curveball. It would help if you had appropriate preparation and a good understanding of the game. Then you have to enter the playing field with confidence and with intention. 

A tennis match is a conflict, a battle between two players both intend on having their expectation, the need to be a champion met. For that, they need to be aware of what is happening. They need to observe the other and discern the strategy of the other. Then they need to enforce their plan or adapt it. Here the comparison stops.

While the tennis players enter the battlefield with a win-lose intention, They can afford it because friendship will probably prevail. In the battle of human relationships, we have to enter the space with a win-win intend for healthier relationships.

Join us for our two-hour-long Master Conflict workshops on 4 and 5 August (English) and 11 and 12 August (Afrikaans).

Events

Our successful and highly recommended interactive online workshop, Building Relationship in Disruptive Times, happens on 23 July from 10:30-11:30. Together with Ulrike Schöttler and Christine Jordaan, we look at building relationships, communication, and mastering conflict in relationships. At the end of the workshop, you will not only have a better idea of how to build a solid relationship with yourself but also how communication skills and understanding conflict can help you with that. The way we talk about body language has been an eye-opener to many participants.

One participant wrote: “The body-language bit is (in my opinion) the most important part of the webinar, as we lose that while on zoom …  I enjoyed it. It was refreshing, quick and thought-provoking.”

Another participant, Riana from PE, wrote: “I especially found Christine’s session valuable about non-verbal communication and voice tone. Your session complemented very well with what we discussed. It was really, really good.”

The cost of the 90-minute webinar is R450.00. For more information or to register, click here. 

Let us talk about habits/Laat ons oor gewoontes praat

Are you fed-up because you cannot leave the phone alone, or walk past the chocolate shelf? Are you wasting money on the gym membership? In the recent past, I had quite a few discussions on how habits are formed or changed. So much so that I have decided to organise an interactive online workshop on how to deal with habits. We can talk about practices such as cellphone addiction or new ones such as how to start running regularly.; or any other habit for that matter. The first workshop is on 29 July at 18:30-19:30 (English), and on the 30 July at 18:00-19:00 (Afrikaans). Participation is free, but you have to register. Please send me an e-mail on info@oorsprong.co.za.

Be a person with influence – Master the skills to make most of the difficult conversations.

Be a person with influence! Difficult conversations are not about knowing what to say when. Difficult discussions are about understanding how to be present. It is essential to understand how to listen and speak mindfully. It is just as important to understand HOW TO LISTEN TO YOUR INNER VOICE (and ignore the monkey talk in you)*. This workshop is all about mastering the skills to make most of the difficult conversations.

This workshop is an essential step towards becoming a person with influence in the family, work and social communities. It is an ideal opportunity for a person who struggles with stress and tension, who underperform because of bad relationships. It will also help those who struggle with assertiveness and aggression or who are conflict avoiders. It is for just everyone who has to deal with unmet expectations and needs – whether it is yourself or someone else.

The two-hour workshop is presented over two days. On day 1, we talk about preparation and skills for an awkward conversation. On day 2, we talk about the way you show up in conflict and why that is the case. 

Register for our Master Conflict workshops on 4 and 5 August (English) and 11 and 12 August (Afrikaans) from 08:00-09:00 (60 minutes per day). Costs are R200.00 per person. To register, contact me at 0837083405, or even better send an e-mail to info@oorsprong.co.za.      

“Monkey talk” is a term used by Rosalie Puiman in her book on mindful conflict resolution.

Book Club

Are you a reader or one that struggles to read? Do you wish you can read every book you see, or just enough to know something? Let us help one another. We are launching an online book club!! The book club will read the newest online books focusing on inter-personal and other life-skills. The plan is to have a monthly online meeting to discuss the book we have read and to learn from one another. If you are interested, contact me at 0837083405 or send an e-mail to johan@oorsprong.co.za.

Collaboration

It is not surprising that I have many friends that are in the business of helping individuals and groups to be present and living the life they are building. Or help them to build the skills they need to move towards their much dreamt about the future.

Chiropractor Sarah Osler presents podcasts with health practitioners about relevant topics. You can listen to the podcasts here. Listen to Shani Cohen a Dietitian. She speaks about fad dieting, mindful eating, cultivating a healthy relationship with food and more. Another podcast is by psychologist Linda Mthenjane  on retaining safety and connection as we navigate the opening of the economy, relationship techniques for mental fitness and more.  

Apart from our Building Relationships in Disruptive Times, development and career coach Ulrike Schöttler present some other exciting courses about “Authentic living” and “Alleviate the Debt Burden.” Click here for more information.

Let us not only stay home, stay safe, but let us stay together and work towards a better future for us all.

Johan

 

 

 

 

 

Providing managers with mental, emotional and relational skills to understand conflict provides a better alternative to dealing with conflict in the workplace, than more linear models of conflict management can provide. Even in the most rational executives, there is an element of irrational behaviour. Often that irrationality plays out in conflict.

 

You have seen it yourself. Maybe, you are the executive that behaves irrationally.Most of us had experienced the irrational temper of a driver who had a fit of road rage because some other motorist did something stupid in his eyes. Only to see how he does something similar a few blocks further down the road. Almost all of us had the experience of a colleague who is very vocal about people who are late at meetings and never make deadlines, just to be frustrated by him not reaching the deadlines and not being in time for meetings himself. That’s the kind of irrationality that triggers our behaviour. This irrational behaviour often also plays out in conflict situations. I’m sure you also had experiences with conflict experiences with people that you will say I don’t understand this.

 

Manfred Kets de Vries, a well-known leadership guru in Europe,  said: “a considerable part of our motivation and behaviour take place outside conscious awareness.” I want to reflect on conflict and conflict coaching, and link conflict coaching to the phrase about motivation and behaviour is outside our conscious awareness.

 

What is behaviour?

 

Behaviour is a function of personality and situation according to Kurt Lewen. I have changed it a bit to say it’s a function of self-management (personality) and my perception of what is happening (situation), or maybe even the way I manage my perceptions of the situation. Coaching can improve both of these skills. Conflict coaching is about mastering the intellectual emotional and relational skills that are necessary to self manage and to manage my perception of the conditions of conflict.

 

What is conflict?

 

Conflict is caused by unmet expectations of how I want my needs should be met. Those needs include personal needs like love, the need to belong and to add value. It also includes our career needs, such as autonomy, mastery, and contribution. When these expectations are not met, then frustration develops. Frustration is an inner personal experience, which means that conflict always starts inside me. Frustration leads to differences, which create more tension and more stress; Differences lead to misunderstandings when we begin to talk about our frustrations. These misunderstandings create further irritation with the other party. This lead to disagreements which create anger discord, animosity and finally polarization. It is essential to see that the conflict process doesn’t stop at polarization, because after the conflict have been mediated or resolved, there is a reforming, restructuring or re-building of trust process that follows. Reforming is accompanied by uncertainty. It is also part of the conflict process.

 

The promise of conflict coaching

 

Mindful conflict resolution is one of the mental skills that you need to learn to deal with conflict. In mindful conflict resolution, according to Rosalie Puiman, you pay attention to “only the present.” In other words, here and now.  You don’t fetch issues from the past and make it part of this discussion. You are present with an attitude of curiosity, that is I want to understand, of openness, I want to be open to you I don’t want to prejudge you, and acceptance, that is I will be non-judgmental so that you are free to speak. The benefits of conflict coaching, according to conflict coach Anna Maravelas, include that the person who is coached in the skills of conflict mastering experiences less anger and apathy and depression. Such a person prevent costly conflicts instead of continuously resolving the same battles over and over. Someone coached in conflict mastering brings energy to the team. They turn self-righteous indignation into a search for solutions, and they strengthen vital relationships to achieve positive outcomes. So it’s clear that conflict coaching adds much value to a team and business.

 

Who are my clients?

 

My clients are everywhere. In human drama, there are always people involved in a conflict. They act as the persecutors, they play the role of the victim, or they want to be the rescuer of the team. Some are aggressive, cause trouble, will bully people—there those who are overly self-confident. Some people exhibit low self-esteem, will down talk themselves and avoid conflict. There are the powerless who will always come with excuses why they cannot find solutions for the challenges they experience. Some think they must rescue the team. They are tired of carrying the burden of the group. They complained about the lack of teamwork and the lack of response of the members.

 

 Also, in the business world, constructive conflict management is seen as a strategic priority for many of the big companies. There’s a good reason for that. Research from the University of Chester, supported by at least three other studies, says that that managers spent 18% of there time resolving conflict through formal processes. That is more than one day a week. Dealing with conflict impacts on the cohesion of the organization, the performance, the profitability, it affects the bottom line. So my potential clients are everywhere. Quoting Tim Roberts, conflict management and transformation specialist at the University of Chester. BPIR highlights the following, “Managers spend 40% to 90% of their time dealing with conflicts in one form or another; Unresolved conflicts lead to at least 50% of resignations; The cost of replacing one employee is more than their yearly salary; Senior HR executives spend up to 20% of their time in litigation activities, most of which relate to conflict in the workplace.”

 

How can you reach out to my clients?

 

The first stage of personal change is about a concern that develops. The concern is an awareness of the need for change that comes from the experience of frustration, discomfort, and daily frustration. You can think of the dynamics of office politics, the power games between managers, and between specialists in the work environment. The second stage of that process is a focal event the confrontation that happens and makes it clear that change is necessary. Sometimes a simple question when someone asked the individual triggers the focal event. Questions like the following can be instrumental. Do you want to stay in this place? Is this where you want to be? Don’t you want to move on? Don’t you want to resolve this tension? These questions confront the individual with, “where am I in my life?” what it is that I want to do? Change is an inner journey of self-management.

 

 

Let me conclude with a quote from a Facebook posting, where I wrote, “coaching deepens your self-awareness, builds your confidence and gives you the courage to speak when necessary. It is these three things you need to master those awkward moments and to become a person of influence.

 

**  This text is adapted from a presentation given at the BNI Chapter Abundance in Johannesburg in July 2020.

 

Works referred to: Manfred Kets de Vries, The Leadership Mystique (FT Prentice Hall); Anna Maravelas, How to reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress (Career Press), Rosalie Puiman, The Mindful Guide to Conflict Resolution (SimonandSchuster). Workplace Conflict Resolution, (https://www.bpir.com/workplace-conflict-resolution-bpir.com/menu-id-72/expert-opinion.html).

In this newsletter: 

1. Why is it essential to be conflict-fit?

2. Building Strong Relatinships in a Disrupted Times.

3. The “systemic me” and George Floyd. 

Being conflict-fit

We often tell ourselves or others that conflict can be useful. If true, why do so many conflicts end with disastrous results? Irreconcilable differences of values, expectations and needs are one. The other, more likely, is the inability to deal with conflict in a way that allows for creativity. To deal with tension and friction, both at work and home, requires emotional intelligence. In other words, it involves the mastering of intellectual and emotional skills that will allow you to be assertive and cooperative. Assertive refers to clarity about your needs and expectations. Cooperativeness refers to being open-minded to the expectations and needs of others

Training

The next webinar on Building Relationships in Disruptive Times is on 18 June 2020 from 10:00 – 11:30 am on the Zoom-platform. You are invited to join us for this existing online workshop addressing some of the critical needs exposed to us by the national lock-down – how to live together. 

 

Outcomes and Benefits:

·        Understanding yourself and others better

·        Learn how to build solid and positive relationships

·        Learning tools on how to communicate effectively

·        Enabling better communication interpretation

·        Handling conflict appropriately

·        Designing effective solutions to conflict

 

Brought to you by:  

·      Ulrike Schottler (Career & Leadership Development Coach)

·      Christine Jordaan (PBS College)

·      Johan Pieters (Conflict Coach, Oorsprong Human Dynamics)

 

TAKE ACTION NOW:  To book your spot register with Christine Jordaan on e-mail: christine@pbscollege.co.za or call: 0823330490. A  Zoom meeting ID & Workbook will be provided on successful registration  

 

I am looking forward to you joining us!

 

The “systemic me” and George Floyd

The death of George Floyd is tragic. It is changing the world. Or is it? The question I am asking myself, is the so-called system, systematic (sic), institutionalised, structural change that is called for enough? James C Scott wrote about “the public transcript” in his book Domination and the Arts of Resistance. Is reform of the public transcript enough? Even possible?

What is the public transcript?

Throughout the centuries, there was a need to organise individuals to limit and control the spread of anger and fear. South Africa tried it with Apartheid.

Capitalism is one system of organisation. Back in the nineteen-forties Karl Polanyi wrote about the division between the social or political and economic spheres. Today, this divide is the core of the public transcript. As the divide grew, the economy became the tool of power and control. It created a system of “we” the insiders, and the marginalised. It supports a network of racism, violence, supremacy, hatred, and abuse. It upholds a system where “we” are dedicated and hard-working and “you” a failure and lazy.

Sometimes this “you” also includes “failing” males. They are a disgrace to male superiority.

Others do not have access to economic power, but they have political power. They can organise an anti-system expressed in protests, marches, rallies. Without at least the backing of economic power, they are powerless and only seldom comes to power. Often that happens because the economic powerful needs them to be in control.

The problem of “systemic.”

Over the past two years, the idea of “systemic” became problematic in my mind. Systemic allows us to blame faceless people for the ills of society. It allows us to shrug our shoulders and walk away without any personal responsibility. Colonialism, Apartheid, white supremacy, power structures remain the culprits while the leaders and agents walk away, leaving the George Floyds dead in the street – struggling for life-giving air.

Can we re-write the transcript without individual responsibility? A key question thus is: what drives individual behaviour?

Individual behaviour and the transcript

One factor is the public transcript. In crowds there is safety. The illusion of security allows us to express ourselves more freely and behave in ways we would not have done otherwise. Think about how people behave in crowds at sports meetings, students in residences and fraternities, the power of sectarian religions, at political meetings etc. The public transcript also endows some institutions and the individuals, who are the agents of those institutions, with power. The power to arrest, to defend the public good. The public transcript defines good. Just think of policeman, public officers, magistrates and judges, managers and executives, and even husbands. These are individuals who received the power to defend the public transcript and act accordingly.

It is good to acknowledge that there is also a corporate transcript that governs the distribution of power and control of behaviour at the workplace. It expects of the employees to act in the interest of the corporate transcript. It allows the agents, that is the managers and those endowed with the power (often called responsibility) to demand and to bully others into submission.

The private transcript

There is also a private transcript (of a “systemic me”) written over years and years. Beginning at a young age and affirmed throughout our lives. It is a script of fear, distrust, and anxiety. I fear being unloved, incapable, not good enough and many others. Distrust is the suspicion that others will again disappoint me. Anxiety is experiencing the unknown and change as a threat. Fear, distrust, and anxiety are ingrained so deeply that we live unaware of the power they hold over us. Our interpretations of our life experiences are not rational but are the product the distrust, anxiety, and fear.

To deal with this, we made what I have come to call an unconscious commitment not to be exposed as weak and afraid. We work hard to be successful, strong, and powerful. Success, strength, and power are defined by your position in society, whether you are part of the “insider group” or of the “marginalised”.

Sustainable change

Change becomes sustainable only when we become aware of these messages and lies. This inner journey is a painful experience, a permanent struggle – one where failure indiscretion can be just around the corner. It is a process full of anxiety and anger (and increasingly so amongst whites). Personal awareness of these private dynamics could make it possible for those who currently form the “we” to connect with those who are the “marginalised” without fear and without succumbing to the unconscious commitment to defend, to be better, or to be superior. Personal awareness of these private dynamics could make it possible for those who currently form the “marginalised” to connect with insiders without anger and with compassion. Then a new public transcript becomes possible. Then only will transforming the systemic, institutions and structures be meaningful and sustainable.

Warning or conclusion

We cannot expect whites to stop being racist overnight. It requires a process that needs an environment that provides safety for the inner journey to take place. We cannot expect a Black person just to forgive and move on. I do not believe that the environment for these processes exists. The public transcript and the institutions need to change. But you and I also need to change

If not, we will soon hear about George Floyd II.

Conflict is part of every relationship. How do we master the skills needed to deal consciously with conflict? How do we learn how to be assertive and how to be co-operative? We know that conflict plays out in the behaviour of a colleague that complains about unequal salaries, a family member who does not stick to agreements, or a member of the residents’ association finding fault with everything the committee does. We sometimes forget that conflict is also present in the mundane things that irritate and frustrate.

Many of us have benefitted from conflict management or conflict mediation interventions. But conflict management has one gaping weakness. Too often in the management of conflict, not enough attention is paid to the shifts individuals must make to establish a new conflict culture in a team, group, or household.

Conflict coaching addresses this weakness. An individual and the conflict coach work together to identify and develop the skills necessary to deal sensibly with conflict. Conflict coaching can produce the kind of relationships where those skills can be mastered.

Three approaches

Conflict management is a function of management and leadership. The task of the manager is to identify existing and potential conflicts. They then lead the process of resolving the dispute in a sensible and fair way.[1] Typically conflict management leans heavily on the five modes of conflict handling developed by Thomas and Kilmann.

Another approach is conflict mediation. Conflict mediation as an informal or formal process used by two or more parties uses to find a peaceful solution to their dispute.[2]It is the function of an independent person, the mediator. The mediator can use a facilitative, evaluative, or transformative approach.

Conflict mastering is a function of the conflict coach. Mastering the mental, emotional, and relational skills to deal with conflict is the outcome of a process in which coachee and coach work together.

 

Conflict, frustration, and self-talk

Conflict is understood as an inter-personal or intra-group problem, often defined as harmful or dysfunctional work relationships. Often it is only recognised after a chaotic meeting that tends to derail a critical project. Initially, the team leader or manager will facilitate a process of resolution or agreement. From time-to-time, they will employ the help of an outside consultant or conflict manager to assist.

Coaching sees conflict as conflicting needs and the expectation that those needs will be met in the workplace, family, and other social environments. Conflict begins with the awareness of frustration over unfulfilled needs and the suspicion that I am not valued. We can say that all disputes arise from the frustration we experience and the ensuing self-talk. It is frustration and the way we assign meaning to the causes thereof that leads to misunderstandings, highlights differences create discomfort, and eventually polarisation. Conflict coaching aims to uncover the existence and source of frustrated expectations and create an awareness of the way the frustrations play out in the here and now.

Two misconceptions and behaviour change

One misconception is that conflict is bad relationships and can be fixed through an acceptable compromise. Another one is that if we fix this relationship, conflict can even be useful and strengthen the team. However, the reality of conflict is not that simple. If conflict arises within our self it means that fixing relationships, resolving disagreements, negotiating peace, creating new agreements are dependent on changes individuals are willing to make in the way they think and act.

Knowing the five modes of dealing with conflict highlighted by Thomas-Kilmann is valuable here. They teach that competing, compromise, accommodation, collaboration, and avoidance are all legitimate ways to deal with conflict. All five modes require a change in behaviour, away from a default way of dealing with conflict to the one most appropriate for the situation. It is affecting these behaviour changes that conflict mastering comes into its own as an approach to conflict.

Systems versus person

In the teams that I was part off, we dealt with conflict in one of two ways. Both approaches deal with the team as a system. One method was to deal with conflict as a systemic problem in the team. This approach often resulted in a costly breakaway or intervention by a consultant. A second approach was to deal with conflict through so-called honest conversations. It often results in repeated and unproductive conversations and never dealt with the real causes of conflict in the team or the changes individuals must make.

The point here is that systems (the group) consist of sub-systems (individual members) that contribute to the efficiency of the group. If the change in the system must be sustainable, the behaviour of the critical parts of the system must also change with it. Conflict management focussing on the team needs conflict coaching to assist individual members to change through a process of mastering the required skills.

The process of conflict coaching

The ICF defines coaching as a “thought-provoking and creative process to maximise the professional and personal potential of the coachee.” This maximising of potential happens by creating deep awareness of the needs and motivations for our behaviour by bringing about mental changes and physical awareness. Conflict coaching appropriates these changes in an environment where conflict could become disruptive or is disruptive.

For a person to change it is sometimes necessary to unpack their needs, expectations, fears, and motivations that cause behaviour patterns. The coaching partnership provides safety, awareness, and planning for change. With enough experience, the ability to act appropriately becomes second nature and free up energy to focus on the main task of the group. But coaching is not a quick fix.

Two final remarks

Since conflict is everywhere, teams need to be pro-active in preparing for conflict. Conflict coaching can be effective in an individual process or as support of a broader conflict management process. Conflict coaching is the pro-active approach that saves energy to focus on the essential task of the group. Every team member can benefit from better personal response to conflict precisely because conflict is everywhere.

 

With more and more online meetings happening, you can expect increasing conflict in online meetings. Research shows that online conflict tends to escalate more and quicker. Do you handle it in the same way as in a face to face meeting? There is this saying that an online meeting is the same as a face-to-face meeting; it is just very different.

The challenge is to deal not only with opposing needs or expectations, but also the intricacies  of human dynamics and the limitations of technology. Body language is such an essential aspect of communication that the “second-hand nature” of it in online meetings is a significant liability. Without body language, it is difficult to pick up on the nuances in the responses of the other party. This can lead to a missed opportunity.

The first key to successful conflict management is to lead from the front.  The leadership of online teams is not limited to task leadership. A virtual meeting is still a meeting between persons with needs and expectations, with histories that the leader must leverage to improve the performance of the team that meets.

Identify what style of conflict handling is appropriate for the situation. Conflict is about unmet needs and expectations. There are two factors in the way people respond to conflict. The first is how assertive they are in pursuing the satisfaction of their needs and expectations. The second is how co-operative they are in meeting the needs of the other party, leaving their own needs and expectations unmet. The problem is when neither party is prepared to accommodate the other one, or if it is always the same person that accommodates leaving him or her increasingly dissatisfied.  There are five ways a leader can respond to conflict. Each one has its place and making the correct decision can go a long way in resolving the dispute. The first is competing (highly assertive behaviour). Second is accommodating (hardly assertive behaviour, yet very helpful at times). Half-way between these two is finding a compromise. A fourth response is avoiding the conflict, which is low on both assessertiveness and co-operativeness. Avoidance does have its advantages. The fifth mode is to build a collaboration between the opposing parties. Building collaboration is seldom possible in one meeting, however, one session can lay a foundation for successful collaboration.

The second key is identifying the conflict early. Conflict does not start with a blow-up in the meeting (or before or immediately after the meeting!). The process of conflict begins with different needs or expectations that remain unmet, which grows into disagreements, misunderstanding, discontent and expressions of unhappiness, and eventually polarisation causing disruption.  In an online meeting, it is especially important to pick up on disagreements and disputes early. Allowing conflict to escalate creates a situation where the rest of the meeting becomes uncomfortable and the levels of participation drops. In face to face meetings, observing body language, facial expressions and tone of voice helps to identify potential conflicts early on.

 

The third key is the limitations and strengths of working online. One advantage of an online meeting is that there is a tendency to listen and not to interrupt. But participants in the meeting are more likely to take disagreements with their ideas personally when delivered from a distance. Even in video meetings, it is not always possible to pick up on the cues which are communicated by non-verbal means (e.g. playing with a pen or drawing pictures on a page). A discussion between two participants can exclude others in the meeting and escalate as the communication is less tempered. We all have seen how people on social media and the comment section on webpages lose a sense of judgement. 

The fourth key is being prepared. Being prepared means, that you not only understand the issues but also have a process ready to help you facilitate the conflict. I use the acronym AFRICA to help me to remember the elements of a successful conflict mediation process.

·         Appreciate the issue and the people. Appreciation is to acknowledge the importance of the problem and valuing the team-members and their contributions. Do this without being manipulative by complementing the different parties in the conflict. Emphasise the value each one brings to the team and how both can contribute to the resolution.

·         Focus on the problem. A vital role of the leader is helping participants to focus on the issue and not on the “warring parties”. Make sure that everyone is clear on the purpose of the meeting and understand how the conflict relates to the purpose of the meeting.

·         Respect persons. Even if you focus on the problem, it is still necessary to respect the persons and the fact that they have the right of holding opposing perspectives. One way of doing this is to ask each party to state his or her case in 3 minutes. Then allow the rest of the meeting to identify the strengths of the argument. (Another way is to ask the parties to highlight the advantages of the other party’s arguments.)

·         Identify the attitudes and information that can contribute to a solution and better decision-making. Do not work for a compromise before it is the only or the preferred option for the situation. Accept that resolving the conflict can become a more extended discussion. It could even be necessary to have a separate process to reach a point of collaboration. At this point, it is imperative to act in line with the conflict-resolution leadership style you have identified inpreparation.

·         Commitment. Work towards designing a commitment that includes the opposing parties and yourself as chairperson. Indeed, the commitment to tasks is the responsibility of the team and not only the conflicting parties. However, it could be necessary to give the opposing parties extra duties such as working together to sort out the differences or a specific problem. In this case, the chairperson must commit to assisting where necessary.

·         Accountability. Hold the parties accountable for the decision they have made in the same way that the rest of the team is accountable. Liability must be practical. Good feedback at the next meeting and some check-ins in between meetings to ensure clarity, could go a long way.

 

A well-known e-mediator, Peter Adler, explained the success of the team he was part of as dealing with “the breakdowns, breakthroughs, and the windows of opportunities lost or found.” It sounds about right, but the tips above can be useful to do just that.

 

Einde Mei 2018 het ek die diens van Fontainebleau Gemeenskapskerk verlaat. In hierdie video vertel ek vir die eerste keer hoe ek gedink het en wat ek geleer het in die proses. Kliek op die foto.

 

Die ses goed wat ek geleer het in die proses is:

 

1. Hanteer jou emosies. Dit is werklik.

2. Beskerm jou integriteit. Laat jou waardes jou lei.

3. Wees eerlik met jouself al is dit ook soms moeilik.

4. Bou ‘n ondersteuningstruktuur met ‘n verskeidenheid mense en rolle.

5. Verstaan waaroor dit gaan en met wie die konflik is. Behou perspektief.

6. Kyk vorentoe. Daar is pyn en nood in die wêreld en jy het talente en ervaring.

 

Skakel my gerus by 083 708 3405 of stuur ‘n e-pos aan johan@oorsprong.co.za as jy verder wil gesels oor my ervaring en hoe dit dalk vir jou ook van waarde kan wees

 

Excellence in Teamwork

Christine Jordaan (PBS College), Ulrike Schöttler and I  will again present our workshop on building relationships at work and home. The first workshop is in Douglasdale on the 10th March 2020. The second workshop is in Jet Park on 24th March 2020. The take home skills from this workshop include:

–         Understand your behaviour in groups

–         How to build solid relationships

–         How to communicate effectively

–         How to improve understanding

–         Know five ways to respond to conflict

–         Understand when to use the appropriate response

–         How to have that difficult conversation

 

The cost is R1450.00 per person. Please see my website, www.oorsprong.co.za, for more information or contact me at johan@oorsprong.co.za 
“Coahing” in Afrikaans?
During the past few months people from very diverse backgrounds suggested that I should focus my coaching on Afrikaans-speakers, or at least develop a market amongst Afrikaans-speakers. Together with a marketing company I am doing some research to determine the potential market for coaching amongst Afrikaans-speakers. Afrikaans-speakers on my mailing list will receive a link to a survey I this regard on Wednesday 26 February 2020. I will appreciate if you take the few minutes needed to answer the 10 questions.

 

Integrating being-human
The Collaborative Integration web presentations about Collaborative the integration of being human into business is currently being filmed. It should soon be available on the You Tube-site of Colab.

Find out more about my coaching, mediation and empowerment services by visiting the website (I am doing some work on it), reading my blogs and liking the facebook page of Oorsprong Human Development.

 

Live your story in 2020, because it is a good story to live.
Johan